Full Circle

It’s not as if I’ve ever been good at this part. Every girl thinks that the next one that comes along could be her fairy tale. Everyone has their own personal brand of prince charming. Mine tends to come with baggage, and usually a whole load of issues in establishing what he wants, when he wants it and what his exact specifications will be. I can never figure it out, but that’s probably because he’s never quite got it down either.

We all play games with each other. I don’t care how many friends tell you to call off whatever lingering lust, infatuation, obsession or love affair you’re currently harbouring because “he/she’s playing you; messing with your head.” We all do it. Because you’ll resist texting him/her for 24 hours just to see if they’ll text you first; somehow that’s proof that they’re interested, and if they don’t, they can go to hell. At least, that’s what I say to myself, but I give in; I text and I chuck my heart and soul through the door after my words.

Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so. I’m currently learning that what some people think is an obvious hint at a particular course of action, others don’t see until it’s spelled out to them. And I’m not calling the latter stupid, and not just because I usually fall into that category. The truth is, you can have fun throwing around metaphors to give your message a tongue-in-cheek edge, but whereas one person might read it as a hint towards a future in your arms, you may have intended to wait and see if you end up gravitating anywhere near the arm vicinity first. But chucking your very being into that person’s world lets you learn exactly what you’re feelings are right from the start.

So you establish what you want. What happens if the other person establishes that you’re certainly not getting what you want yet, and that there’s a possibility that you might never get it at all? It takes a strong person to take a step back and say “Fine, let’s just see.” Which makes it slightly on the shocking side that someone so stubborn, and with a burgeoning power complex, managed to do it. But today I did. It’s time for me to truly acknowledge the beauty of being friends with someone before a romance begins to blossom. I’ve spent every relationship throwing myself into some kind of new world, new home. Each time it’s been one I’ve not been entirely comfortable with, although at the time I would never admit it. I’d just end up either throwing myself, or being thrown back out the window.

Perhaps the “not friends first” part is where I’ve gone so wrong in the past. Each time it’s been so intense, and everything has been so assumed. I realise now that the “we are aiming for a relationship” attitude actually just puts pressure on the both of you. You have to make it work, because you told everyone that’s exactly what you were looking to do. And when it doesn’t work, it doesn’t just fall apart; it goes catastrophically wrong. You hate each other, you never want to see each other again. You can’t be friends, because you never were in the first place.

I always used to think that people who were friends first would get bored very quickly in a relationship; that the thrill of skipping that step was that you were constantly learning more about each other. But it’s not like people ever stop learning about each other. Although you may think you know someone like the back of your hand, stick them in a tricky situation, and they won’t always react in the way that you think they will. These days, we live long enough that everyone can surprise us at least once.

So here comes something that, no matter how many times I say it to myself, always surprised me. Most people have no idea what they want. For someone who’s always known exactly what I’m looking for, it has continually shocked me that some people simply can’t answer the question. Instead of forcing them to decide, I guess it would be best to just squeeze their hand, flash a friendly smile, and be open to the idea that one day they might decide that the answer is you.

I realise that I’m kinda telling this story the wrong way around; letting you in on the epiphany I’ve just arrived at before revealing the path that lead me here, but somehow it feels appropriate. The previous chapters will appear here soon, I promise.