Full Circle

It’s not as if I’ve ever been good at this part. Every girl thinks that the next one that comes along could be her fairy tale. Everyone has their own personal brand of prince charming. Mine tends to come with baggage, and usually a whole load of issues in establishing what he wants, when he wants it and what his exact specifications will be. I can never figure it out, but that’s probably because he’s never quite got it down either.

We all play games with each other. I don’t care how many friends tell you to call off whatever lingering lust, infatuation, obsession or love affair you’re currently harbouring because “he/she’s playing you; messing with your head.” We all do it. Because you’ll resist texting him/her for 24 hours just to see if they’ll text you first; somehow that’s proof that they’re interested, and if they don’t, they can go to hell. At least, that’s what I say to myself, but I give in; I text and I chuck my heart and soul through the door after my words.

Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so. I’m currently learning that what some people think is an obvious hint at a particular course of action, others don’t see until it’s spelled out to them. And I’m not calling the latter stupid, and not just because I usually fall into that category. The truth is, you can have fun throwing around metaphors to give your message a tongue-in-cheek edge, but whereas one person might read it as a hint towards a future in your arms, you may have intended to wait and see if you end up gravitating anywhere near the arm vicinity first. But chucking your very being into that person’s world lets you learn exactly what you’re feelings are right from the start.

So you establish what you want. What happens if the other person establishes that you’re certainly not getting what you want yet, and that there’s a possibility that you might never get it at all? It takes a strong person to take a step back and say “Fine, let’s just see.” Which makes it slightly on the shocking side that someone so stubborn, and with a burgeoning power complex, managed to do it. But today I did. It’s time for me to truly acknowledge the beauty of being friends with someone before a romance begins to blossom. I’ve spent every relationship throwing myself into some kind of new world, new home. Each time it’s been one I’ve not been entirely comfortable with, although at the time I would never admit it. I’d just end up either throwing myself, or being thrown back out the window.

Perhaps the “not friends first” part is where I’ve gone so wrong in the past. Each time it’s been so intense, and everything has been so assumed. I realise now that the “we are aiming for a relationship” attitude actually just puts pressure on the both of you. You have to make it work, because you told everyone that’s exactly what you were looking to do. And when it doesn’t work, it doesn’t just fall apart; it goes catastrophically wrong. You hate each other, you never want to see each other again. You can’t be friends, because you never were in the first place.

I always used to think that people who were friends first would get bored very quickly in a relationship; that the thrill of skipping that step was that you were constantly learning more about each other. But it’s not like people ever stop learning about each other. Although you may think you know someone like the back of your hand, stick them in a tricky situation, and they won’t always react in the way that you think they will. These days, we live long enough that everyone can surprise us at least once.

So here comes something that, no matter how many times I say it to myself, always surprised me. Most people have no idea what they want. For someone who’s always known exactly what I’m looking for, it has continually shocked me that some people simply can’t answer the question. Instead of forcing them to decide, I guess it would be best to just squeeze their hand, flash a friendly smile, and be open to the idea that one day they might decide that the answer is you.

I realise that I’m kinda telling this story the wrong way around; letting you in on the epiphany I’ve just arrived at before revealing the path that lead me here, but somehow it feels appropriate. The previous chapters will appear here soon, I promise.

Getting Back on the Road

Pre 16 Gem in Muted Colours

Everyone has THAT moment; the one where all of a sudden, everything changes. And it’s not because something different was forced upon you; it’s because you’ve had enough of the same old shite that you want to make sure every second from that moment forward is lived to its absolute fullest. Some people have multiple moments like this throughout their lives. Some people are in their 50s before it appears. For me, it first happened when I was 16, and all because a friend forgot my birthday.
It was one of those moments where you have no idea why you’re so upset, because the trigger seems so unbelievably childish and meaningless. It takes a little while for you to realise that that’s not actually the reason you’re crying; it’s just the thing that set you off.



Back in crazy clothes!

Whilst I was at Primary School, I was known for being the loud, bubbly and rather insane ginger girl. Teachers and students alike loved me for it. At that age, being rather random and confident with it is what makes you popular. But we were all a little crazy at my Primary School anyway – I think it was an entry requirement. So you can imagine my shock when, upon entry to High School, I realised that being who I’d been for the last 11 years was not going to make me revered.

I was bullied. Incessantly. Never mind being an oddball and a bit of a personality, I was ginger, smart and wore glasses too. Your classic geek. I was far too enthusiastic for my own good, as far as the cool kids were concerned. If I got the answer right, I was a swot. If I got it wrong, I was an idiot. I couldn’t win. So eventually, without realising it, I stopped putting my hand up altogether. I stopped being loud. I stopped joining in. I slowly retreated into my shell, without even thinking about it.


In London for the Bar MOCK Trial

And for some reason, on my 16th Birthday, someone completely forgetting it made me realise what I’d done.

You may say I lost everything, but I still had my bedazzler. And I had a lot of patches, shiny ones from M and J trimmings, so I wreaked havoc on some old denim and I did what any girl would do. I did it all over again.

Lady Gaga – “Marry the Night” Video

 

Sometimes I wish my story was as dramatic as Lady Gaga’s. But then I guess it is:

When I look back on my life, it’s not that I don’t want to see things exactly as they happened; it’s just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way. And truthfully the lie of it all it much more honest because I invented it. I’m gonna be a star. You know why? Because I’ve got nothing left to loose.

Random Gem Returns!

Lady Gaga – “Marry the Night” Video

Returning to the stage

I picked myself up. I ran for the Student Management Committee. I joined the Bar MOCK Trial team. I forced myself to put my hand up. I answered every question with a tongue-in-cheek joke with my teachers. I made the yearbook. I went to Warwick University. I joined the Street Dance Team. I got through some epic auditions. I choreographed the Street Dance Team. I produced dance events. I was President of the Street Dance Team. I became a Producer. I became an Artist. I fell in love. 3 times. I loved, lost, laughed till it hurt and cried till I fell about laughing with all the friends I gained along the way. And I’ve hit a million brick walls, but fulfilled a million dreams and every single time I hear those bullying words at the back of my mind, I will admit that a part of me listens to them for just a little while. But then I’ll have THAT moment again; whether it’s being cheated on, or finding out later that you were, finding yourself staring down at an alcoholic other half or having your line manager and friend take you for dinner just to tell you to stop worrying about it all. I’ve been handed notebooks full of messages from inspired students and peers and I’ve jumped around my house and through the streets of Manchester when I’ve landed dream jobs. Each time something clicks. I tell those voices to fuck of once more, grab a pen, some paper, my ipod, my dance shoes and shove my heart strings back into place. I get back on the road. And I keep going.

Working on the Manchester International
Festival's "Music Boxes"

And throughout various blog entries here, I’m going to tell you exactly how I did it. Join the conversation - #The378Blog or @FieryRockets on Twitter.

"The Moment When" Tech Rehearsals

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Now working for Pavilion Dance South West