Full Circle

It’s not as if I’ve ever been good at this part. Every girl thinks that the next one that comes along could be her fairy tale. Everyone has their own personal brand of prince charming. Mine tends to come with baggage, and usually a whole load of issues in establishing what he wants, when he wants it and what his exact specifications will be. I can never figure it out, but that’s probably because he’s never quite got it down either.

We all play games with each other. I don’t care how many friends tell you to call off whatever lingering lust, infatuation, obsession or love affair you’re currently harbouring because “he/she’s playing you; messing with your head.” We all do it. Because you’ll resist texting him/her for 24 hours just to see if they’ll text you first; somehow that’s proof that they’re interested, and if they don’t, they can go to hell. At least, that’s what I say to myself, but I give in; I text and I chuck my heart and soul through the door after my words.

Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so. I’m currently learning that what some people think is an obvious hint at a particular course of action, others don’t see until it’s spelled out to them. And I’m not calling the latter stupid, and not just because I usually fall into that category. The truth is, you can have fun throwing around metaphors to give your message a tongue-in-cheek edge, but whereas one person might read it as a hint towards a future in your arms, you may have intended to wait and see if you end up gravitating anywhere near the arm vicinity first. But chucking your very being into that person’s world lets you learn exactly what you’re feelings are right from the start.

So you establish what you want. What happens if the other person establishes that you’re certainly not getting what you want yet, and that there’s a possibility that you might never get it at all? It takes a strong person to take a step back and say “Fine, let’s just see.” Which makes it slightly on the shocking side that someone so stubborn, and with a burgeoning power complex, managed to do it. But today I did. It’s time for me to truly acknowledge the beauty of being friends with someone before a romance begins to blossom. I’ve spent every relationship throwing myself into some kind of new world, new home. Each time it’s been one I’ve not been entirely comfortable with, although at the time I would never admit it. I’d just end up either throwing myself, or being thrown back out the window.

Perhaps the “not friends first” part is where I’ve gone so wrong in the past. Each time it’s been so intense, and everything has been so assumed. I realise now that the “we are aiming for a relationship” attitude actually just puts pressure on the both of you. You have to make it work, because you told everyone that’s exactly what you were looking to do. And when it doesn’t work, it doesn’t just fall apart; it goes catastrophically wrong. You hate each other, you never want to see each other again. You can’t be friends, because you never were in the first place.

I always used to think that people who were friends first would get bored very quickly in a relationship; that the thrill of skipping that step was that you were constantly learning more about each other. But it’s not like people ever stop learning about each other. Although you may think you know someone like the back of your hand, stick them in a tricky situation, and they won’t always react in the way that you think they will. These days, we live long enough that everyone can surprise us at least once.

So here comes something that, no matter how many times I say it to myself, always surprised me. Most people have no idea what they want. For someone who’s always known exactly what I’m looking for, it has continually shocked me that some people simply can’t answer the question. Instead of forcing them to decide, I guess it would be best to just squeeze their hand, flash a friendly smile, and be open to the idea that one day they might decide that the answer is you.

I realise that I’m kinda telling this story the wrong way around; letting you in on the epiphany I’ve just arrived at before revealing the path that lead me here, but somehow it feels appropriate. The previous chapters will appear here soon, I promise.

Love is Love. End Of.

This week, the House of Commons approved same sex marriage in the UK. It’s a long overdue move forward for many people – the unequal rights that people have suffered previously, based up their sexual orientation have long needed a shove in the other direction. Whilst this debate has really gotten into full swing over the last year or so, it’s really reminded me of some GIFs I saw a while back These GIFs showed Black segregation at its height in America and stated that in 50 years’ time those who were against Gay Marriage will look back and realise just how stupid they all were.

I’ve heard far too many arguments against Gay Marriage; ones that simply stem from homophobia – there are no well thought out arguments in sight. “It’s not natural” they say. Really? What could be more natural than following your earthly desires with someone you truly love and are dedicated to? And for that matter, what is wrong with two consenting adults engaging in intimate acts that are private… and whose business is it what they get up to?

I’d like to remind those blindly arguing against any kind of person not being able to marry any other kind of person, that heterosexual (and usually, but wrongly deemed “normal”) couples engage in acts of love which many others may not approve of (let’s just put 50 Shades of Grey on the table here) yet they are not outlawed. I use this extreme example to demonstrate just how silly all of this law business is. You will let a straight couple engage in anal fisting in the comfort on their own home but you will not let a man slip a ring on another man’s finger? Perspective people, please.

And let’s just have a look at that word “normal”. In the 21st Century, where everyone decides to conduct their relationships in whichever way they please, can someone honestly give me a dictionary definition of this concept? A “normal” relationship no longer exists. I’m not sure it ever did. Some of my friends have rules and regulations about how long they wait before sexual contact or how long you have to be together before you can say those 3 little words and truly mean them. I don’t, and some of my other friends don’t. Some go for certain guidelines and not for others, but they all behave and conduct their relationships in a way which works for them. That doesn’t mean one of us is wrong and the other isn’t – we’re all different, remember?

So let’s throw out this word “normal” and focus on what’s really at stake here, because those MPs who didn’t approve same sex marriage, who have probably never been through any stigma in their life, should not have the right to decide whether others can get married or not. The Same Sex Marriage debate has been going on for a long while now. It was first brought to my attention when Civil Partnerships came into existence in 2004. At the time, it was another huge step forward, but just the sheer fact that it was given a different name to that of heterosexual relationships, meant that from the start it was not about equality for everyone. It was about giving those of a different sexual orientation something similar; something that looked like marriage, but wasn’t. What rights were the same? Property rights, inheritance tax, social security, pensions, parental responsibilities, tenancy rights, full life insurance recognition and next of kin rights in hospitals. Sounds brilliant, right? But if the rights are the same, why call it something else? The difference of title, for me shows inherent prejudice, before anyone’s even started to discuss the matter.

Issues around sexuality have also arisen in the last few years with a significant increase in pop culture’s interest in the subject matter; with androgynous rockers going back to the likes of Placebo and their debut in 1996, and the release of chart topper “Nancy Boy” in 1998, allowing the lyrics “And it all breaks down to the role reversal” to grace the mainstream’s airwaves. Their 2000 single “Taste in Men” is a song which many sing along to; it’s one of those that you’ve heard around, you know all the words but you’re not sure where it’s from or who wrote it. And of course, those people singing along to the lyrics “change your style again” have no idea that the video depicts the feminine, bisexual vocalist Brian Molko conducting affairs with a man and a woman at the same time. Some of Placebo’s messages and images were more stark than others, but they certainly started to make a noise in the lats 90s and early 00s. Then along came a flurry of powerful female icons; Katy Perry not afraid to claim “I Kissed a Girl and I liked it” and finally this decade’s Gay Icon, Lady Gaga who’s thundering tune “Pokerface”, reportedly about a previous boyfriend being oblivious to her bisexuality, was the UK’s number one single for 3 weeks, staying in the chart for an incredible 66 weeks.

Despite the rush of musicians trying to break down barriers with regards to sexuality and equality since the 1970s and its glam rock era, Lady Gaga seems to have hit the chord in a very different way. She’s taken the world by storm, with the previously named “freaks” of the world becoming her army of “Little Monsters”, flaunting their sexual orientation, “gender bending” and flamboyant personalities, and rightly so. Of course, she’s been hit by the opposition numerous times though, but that hasn’t stopped her. A rather huge fan of Gaga’s, I remember seeing a video of hers a few years ago, in which a protester at one of her shows handed her a “Get Out of Hell Free Card” because he believed that was where she was heading. After a long search on YouTube, I’m pleased to say I managed to locate the original video, which you can watch below.

Although she’s been labelled as such, personally I don’t think “Gay Icon” is the right way to describe Lady Gaga. This inspirational woman is a Freedom Fighter, a missionary for equality, being brave and freedom of expression. And that’s what this is all about isn’t it? Freedom.

Doesn’t it strike anyone as slightly worrying that, after 7 of our recorded millennia, we’re still fighting amongst ourselves for freedom? I know that, despite this monumental occasion, homophobia won’t stop just yet, just as I refuse to say that racism no longer exists because the law says it shouldn’t. It does. Because at the end of the day, some people are just terrified of difference. Well I say embrace it.

I’m straight, (albeit with an acquired taste for feminine men) but I’ve spent many an hour rolling my eyes at people who told me I “looked like a lezza” when I used to have a Mohawk, and I’ve researched and written this particular blog entry to the stunning soundtrack of Brian Molko’s dulcet tones. So many people listen to Placebo’s lyrics and ask me what the hell he’s going on about. I know what he’s saying:

Love is love. End of.

Join the Conversation #The378Blog or @FieryRockets on Twitter.

Disclaimer: Please note, these views belong solely to me and I do not claim to represent the views of the gay community, merely to stand in support of their rights.

Life on a Tangent

Opinions. My life revolves around them. By day, I'm a Performing Arts Professional, and by night I'm the same, just with more sass. Ever since I was 11, I've always felt passionate about certain things, and expressed my right to say something about them. Now, 12 years later, and in the rather subjective world of the arts industry, I spend most of my days talking about opinions, whether they're mine, or those of another artist or audience member.

But my strong feelings about the state of this world stretch much further than the stage. Having long called myself a feminist, I recently read (albeit a little behind schedule) Caitlin Moran's How to be a Woman, and found myself enthralled at her discussions on women and our position in society, through her own life. Because, let's face it, no matter what you beleive in, your life will never follow that path to the letter. We're human, bound to stray and that's not a bad thing at all. When we stray, we learn. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, but no matter how many times you tell someone you care about not to do something, because you know how destructive it is, they will not listen until they've made the mistake on their own. It's the best way to learn.

I've learnt many a lesson this way. In fact, my life has taken a rather strange route to end up where I am now, and I'm sure it'll continue to do so. A friend of mine and I used to joke about how our lives were like the 378 bus that went through our home town - the bus took almost an hour to get to the next town, just 2 miles down the road, because it went down every single road in every single housing estate along the way. Life is very much like that - it goes off on a tangent and might then rejoin the original path a lot further down the line... or maybe not at all.

In her book, Caitlin Moran spoke of a guidebook to womanhood. A guidebook to life in general, for all sexes, genders and sexualities is certainly something that I hear many people crying out for. But there is no guidebook; just people sharing with others how they've managed it.

For everyone, there's that ideal life that you aim for, that ideal partner that you dream of, and in recent years we have been lulled into a state of mind that believes that those day dreams and fantasies are not just unachievable, but that they simply don't exist. I'd like to challenge that idea.

Yes, we all daydream and fantasise about things that seem far fetched in our hours spent communiting to work or on a long journey to visit friends. In my mind, I've had sordid love affairs with mulitple rock stars, performed with Lady Gaga and won Oscars plus a prestigious award that currently there's no call for. Harmless little day dreams they may seem, and you know you're just making it all up, but there's no hiding the fact that the minute you touch back down on earth you feel stripped of everything that was yours.

Forget the famous personalities though, the main part of the romantic and raunchy daydreams we all have, is that we truly feel loved and worshipped by someone we'd be willing to love and worship in return. And that's the part we're being told is unattainable. But it's not. I can't be the only person on the planet to have stared into a lover's eyes after reacquainting ourselves with each other following a long period of absence and felt like the world completely stopped. Yes, that moment comes and it goes and a few months later you may be screaming at each other down the phone and using the words "If you ever come near me again, I'll rip your f**king eyeballs out", but nevertheless, that moment occurred. And at 23, with every new relationship I have, I feel like I'm breaking new, more positive ground... and I have a lot of friends who feel the same way.

So let's hop on this new journey on the 378 and see what else we can discover along the way.

Join the conversation - #The378Blog or @FieryRockets on Twitter.